My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
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Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously