My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
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“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”