My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year