My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Everyone’s family
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!