My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
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I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Life is like a box of chocolates. More expensive than I was expecting.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again