Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?

My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?

ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend

GOD: who?

ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school

How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

Son: But I’m not hungry!

Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one

Me: I got a new blanket

My dogs:

My dog ate my work from home.

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

COMPUTER: Enter your password

ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]

COMPUTER: Your password is too weak

ME: [high fives computer]