Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”

Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not

ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh

I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30

*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05

AUNT: You look just like your dad.

ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

😂👽

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.

And to their wives. And their local fire departments.

They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?