My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
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Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Always the camel, never the toe.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat