My Plans 2020
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Salad is the decaf of food.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
LA today:
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
house sitting!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Comparing yourself to others
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.