My Plans 2020
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Otters see a butterfly.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Breaking news:
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”