My plans: 2020:
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“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
The Others (2001)
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this