My plans: 2020:
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centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
i hate you platonically
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
all bases covered
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Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?