My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn