Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it

ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.

a lot to unpack here

my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?

[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.

[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.

[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”

[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*

My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.

Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you

At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒

The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.

My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.

GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.

ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.

Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.

I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.

Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.

I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.

My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.

There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.