My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
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Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins