Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”

I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂

I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.

People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it

Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.

I hope they boil the right one.

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834

Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???

A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

[Logging in]

• Password must be 6 digits

Me : *Types “6 digits”*

Computer : You are an imbecile.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??

3yo: play it again!

Me: I can’t, baby

*3yo throws epic fit*

Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.

If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.