Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook

presenting your incognito window wrapped

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

[Extremely heavy metal voice]

HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY

“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”

– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool

Not all heroes wear capes…

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

‘I know a black person’

– White people

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.

She told me newspapers are old school.

She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.

That fly never stood a chance.

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has

America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”