my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Had a picnic and got bitten by every insect known to man. Except for a lady bug, she just sat on my forehead and took a shit.
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.