my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
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[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
🤣😂🤣😂
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again