Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You smell nice. What is that?

Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-

Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-

Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”

If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.

But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”

Note to future self:

Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive

Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”

A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written

Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk

I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.