Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

me: congrats on running that marathon.

her: thanks. I’m still sore.

me: because you didn’t win?

her:

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope

Doctor: stethoscope

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:

Survive in harsh conditions.

She’s never even been been camping.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.

Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?

“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead

me: let’s find out

nurse: but he-

me: SWEET CAROLINE

nurse: what are u-

me: shhhhh

patient: [faintly] ba ba ba

me: nope

My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny

Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*

One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails

But when it does,
no one is shocked

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?

Him: have you had dinner yet?

Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.