My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You Might Also Like
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”
Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.