My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You Might Also Like
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask