Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-

My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON

“I don’t do politics.”

Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since

Yes 😂

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up

Me: oh honey…you have no idea

I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

passed a guy walking down the street video chatting someone but here’s a fun twist: he was doing it on a laptop

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”

I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”

*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird

🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶

Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what

Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”

I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”