My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
You Might Also Like
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Can’t. About to go please some beans
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”
Her oldest child is 38. 🤣
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.