My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
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Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Hit me in the face with a bird
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
That’s it.I’m out.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
calling in to work dehydrated
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”