My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
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Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Sticker placement is key.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
Dear Satan…
For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
I really had high hopes for this year though
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Pringles
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
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•
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Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.