My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
“HELP WITH CAT”
my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I was bored.
wut hotdog?
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.