My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit