My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
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Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.