My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
⛄️
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink