My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.