My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
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Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Looking forward to Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck getting back together again in 2044.