my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
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Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.