my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
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This story is comedy gold 😂
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
I already know how it will end…
One of my children will unplug my life support to charge their phone.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I cannot begin to describe to you all how refreshing it is to me to finally see the real issues of our times being addressed
