my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Wednesday
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.