my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
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Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The game has officially changed 😎
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
*serious situation*
My brain:
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*