Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.

The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.

Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack

I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.

People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over

[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance

Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.

I don’t make the rules.