My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Choose your fighter
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
Always stretch before playing billiards or you might pool a muscle
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
8 to reassure the public
7 to blame the other side
5 to form a conspiracy
3 to debate its importance
2 to sabotage the lightbulb
1 to screw the lightbulb into the toilet bowl and declare the problem solved
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.