My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
You Might Also Like
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
the best thing i’ve ever made
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
In space, no one can hear…
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!