My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.