My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
this is the best interaction on twitter
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
they split up moments later
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings