My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
Born to be mild.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”