My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
but that was my emotional support daylight
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
sigh
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
hey just a psa for no reason in particular but if you get too close to those wacky inflatable tube guys on a rainy day they can and will wetly slap you in the face. in front of people you were hoping to impress
it definitely didn’t happen to me of course in case you thought th
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.