My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
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My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?
Me: Yes
S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Please don’t say you have wasted 365 days of 2024. You actually wasted 366 days. 2024 was a fucking leap year bro
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message