My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”
Me: “Are you driving or walking?”
Man: “Driving.”
Me: “That would be the quickest way.”
Just saw a toddler running past my house waving a red flag with their mom chasing after them and I’ve never seen a more accurate depiction of parenthood.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?