My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!