My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
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I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives