Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.

Me: Red is the color of love tho.

Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”

Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style

Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.

Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

COME ON KRUSE #fencing

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.

[Before the ten commandments were handed down]

Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?

Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.