Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.

•a lion stalks a fawn•

•a man steps out from behind tree•

I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?

ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”

and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.

Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”

Swiper (on Tinder): …

Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?

I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

me: brush your teeth

my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.

Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath

My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.