Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.

If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”

aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.