Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

her: why is the cat so sparkly?

me: I think she looks fabulous.

her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?

me: you mean the glitter box?

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die

Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”

Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”

A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.

Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.

Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences

*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*

Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.