@XplodingUnicorn

My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party

I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken

You Might Also Like

@RatCasket

what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?

@WilliamAder

When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.

@robfromonline

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

@ronnui_

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

@CJhooray

I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk

@QwertyJones3

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

@shutupmikeginn

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.