My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
You Might Also Like
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Namaste
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Every work meeting this week
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?