what idiot named it Mail Order Bride instead of Male Order Bride?
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
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50% off moms tomorrow!
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
#auspol #itson #qanda #art
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
I just saw a list of candidates for the local Juvenile Judge election and I just don’t think juveniles should even be able to be judges idk
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.