Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
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6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
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10yo: “A phone what?”
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
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[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
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