Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂

Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]

You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

my dad: [rising up from behind couch]

the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf

My neck my back my allergy attack

WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.

ME: “Your”

Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.

Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.

most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

kid: i need pencils for school

me: what kind

kid: number 2

[later at the store]

me: do you have any shit pencils