My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”
And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.