My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
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As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
When I lived in DC I once overheard a man tell a woman in a bar: “if the 19 people ahead of me all died one day, I’d be the acting Secretary of Agriculture.”
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”