My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
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My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
greetings!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.