Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?

Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes

quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows

quarantine day 7: tequila

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.

You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

her: i only date woke guys

me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.

I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.

People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.

Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.