My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
– Hello, RSPCA.
– Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
– I don’t believe you.
– Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
dads on road-trips be like
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?