My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
translated into Canadian
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter