my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.