my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
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I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Every time my phone rings
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.