Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Wife: I want to see some snow.

Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.

Wife: I’d rather see snow.

just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.

For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.

[during sex]

me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I bet Santa has 3 lists now:

Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket

i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”