*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
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“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Take me Hoooome
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.