You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
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Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good