@ItsAndyRyan

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

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@jobrowneyes

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

@kumailn

“You calling them Nazis is what turned them into Nazis.”
I’ve been calling my cat a “gorgeous little muffin” for years so now I’m terrified.

@Brentweets

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

@themessednest

As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.

@get_stalked

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

@Dawn_M_

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

@Bob_Janke

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@Twits_Giggles

It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.