My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
May have had one breakfast too many
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*