My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
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remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Tough love is true love
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”