My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
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My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
surely THIS is the open bar where i will finally learn restraint
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.