Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”

And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?

Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.

“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”

– oscillating fans

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

Meanwhile, in Facebook,

Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?

There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?

me:

Cashier:

me:

Cashier:

me: sure

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Guess what!

Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!

And nobody likes Mexicans!

Big deal! Who cares!