Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.

What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield

Them: Listen to your body more.

Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.

This meeting could have been a cake

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.

Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.

i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.

BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead

911: did u murder him?

BLACK WIDOW: uh

911: ma’am

BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*

Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.

There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.

I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed.

Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.

I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky

They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.

I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦

Fancy restaurants be like “This is technically toast, but we put fancy cheese and sprouts on it. That’ll be $30.”

The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Thank heavens for community notes