Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.

What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you

Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous

From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”

anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.

5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-

[the ghostbusters barge in]

church choir, nervously: -oooats

[ghostbusters slowly back out]

If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

me: i had an accident

insurance agent: sir, we don’t insure pants