My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
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Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.