Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: fancy a movie?

them: what do you have in mind?

me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?

them: what’s it about?

me: August 2020

I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.

No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.

My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

[2 days into diet]

Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

We don’t deserve birds.

[doctors]

“How long have I got?”

“Not long. Two, three months”

[casually places apple on desk]

“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”

[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!

I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

BOSS: I have some tough news

INVISIBLE MAN: Go on

BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities

INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.