My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You Might Also Like
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.