When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
why am I working on Labor Day
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.