Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!

Me: oh cool what are they?

Grandma:

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili

Sister: “Family shot time”

Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”

Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”

Me: oh

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.

But it was hollow. And white chocolate.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.

Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny

[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted

Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

✌️

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

Bros before Ohioes

Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.

Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!

Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.

You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.