Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

god: okay the day that is happening now is called today

angel: *writing* ok

god: and the day that just ended is called terday

angel: terday?

god: yes terday

angel: *writing* ok

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile

ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus

DAD: what virus

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.

interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words

me: mathematically challenged

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]

[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]

Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

In a parallel universe nobody can park.

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.

Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*

therapist: you’re overthinking

me: what if-

therapist: don’t

me: WHAT IF

therapist:

me: what if everyone else is underthinking

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.

I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.