Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling

Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?

school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

[loud fighting downstairs]

Me: What’s this about?

10-year-old: Nothing.

Me: You have to be fighting over something.

10: We really don’t.

my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.

i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.

[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

Limited budget

Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.

media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.

colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.

[new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people have asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”

Pet Cemetery 3:

People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.

Somebody buries dinosaur bones.

Jurassic Park ensues.

1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.

Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”