My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!