My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I’m putting together a team
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]