My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Home is where your toilet is.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Have kids, they said
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors